Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who can't be accountable for their mistakes? Someone who, when you let them know how you feel, tells you that you are being too sensitive, that you are living in the past, that you need to get over it? Someone who sweeps things under the rug and pretends that it never happened?
So, you maybe suck it up to keep the peace (also known as people pleasing - son't worry, there will be a future newsletter on that topic). But the relationship doesn't get better. And slowly, resentments start to build, or you lose touch wirth your needs and wants, and anxiety creeps in.
Why does this happen? Well, because there has been a rupture in your relationship and there has not been repair.
Rupture and repair is a concept in relationship psychology that describes the natural cycles of disconnection and reconnection that occur in close relationships. Here's a brief overview:
Rupture:
Refers to moments of tension, misunderstanding, or conflict in a relationship
Can range from minor miscommunications to major arguments
Often involves a breakdown in emotional attunement between people
Repair:
The process of addressing and resolving ruptures
Involves reconnecting emotionally and restoring trust
Typically requires communication, empathy, and a willingness to take responsibility
Are you catching on? Repair is a process. It's not just an apology or an acknowledgment. It requires taking responsibility. It requires empathy. It requires good communication.
If are in a relationship with an emotionally immature person, repair will not happen. Because they lack the capacity to do repair. And if you have history of childhood trauma from abusive caretakers, there is a good chance one or both of your parents were emotionally immature. Moreover, being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature can cause relational trauma through patterns of invalidation, blame shifting, triangulation and gossip.
Ruptures are a normal part of any relationship. But how they are handled dictates the success of the relationship. Without repair, the relationship will suffer, end may eventually end. With repair, the relationship actually becomes stronger and more resilient.
If you want to learn more about how to do healthy repair, set strong boundaries, and let go of perfectionistic tendencies and people pleasing, consider booking a therapy session with me. And sign up for my email newsletter for more actionable tips.
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